in 10 days, I'll be a Cougar. RAWR!

So, I've been discussing it with various folks around the globe, of varying age range, and the consensus seems to be that being a 'Cougar' starts in the 30's for women. I guess society hasn't changed that much when men in their 40's dating younger women is still natural and par for the course, and women in their 30's looking for that good D get a cutesy little moniker that is really a 'jokes on us' kind of thing.

Either way, in ten days, I'll be 31 and officially a cougar. Still single & still with society trying to dictate to me how I should feel about that. 

Honestly, I have greater trepidation about turning 31 than I did about turning 30...but at 30, I was pretty much living day-to-day through treatments and procedures and surgeries, and I didn't really have time to process feeling a certain way about a new age bracket. I was just glad with every day that I woke up breathing. 

But now...well, now I'm living life again. For the most part, anyway. I'm making new friends and starting to plan for a future again and going to Sundance and planning trips to Chicago and NY, and having guests in from all over over the next month or so. 

But, as the days click by and I get closer to a higher number to say when asked my age, I'm kind of thinking 'what the fuck am I doing, again?'. I mean, I am still single. I'm currently only doing work when something that I want to do comes along, or something that I want to do and my team of physicians agree is acceptable. I don't have a set schedule, fuck, some days I don't even leave my room unless it's to exercise. 

I'm still dating randoms and mourning that my heart was somewhere that it didn't belong for so long. I'm still sleeping with people when I want to and being honest with them about my past and my present, expecting the same, and then later being judged for the when or the how or the why. 

In other words, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. But, I'm not even sure that I know what I'm looking for...for the most part at least. I know that I'm not looking for marriage, because honestly marriage scares the shit out of me. I would be content in a nice, healthy, fun long-term relationship with someone who shares the same views on how to treat someone that you're dating as I do. But, I can't find that in this city so far, and I know I want to leave but can't seem to choose where I want to go. Or when to go there. 

I'm still struggling with life on a lot of different levels...it's been hard to get back on the 'living' track after spending so much time struggling and not getting to look forward. I know that I want to be happy. That's what I want...happiness. Creative flow. And, no more looking back. I want to be in a place where I can just focus on what is here, what is being offered, what I can utilize, instead of what used to be, or where my heart still lies despite how far my body carries me away from those moments.

So, I'm going to embrace 'Cougar', if not in action, then in spirit. I am definitely on the prowl...although not necessarily for men or sex. I'm searching for my place in the world again...in the day and the light, instead of staying in the dark. 

:)