i'm supposed to be on a plane right now...

Southwest fuct up my ticket, and badly. I spent an hour on the phone with them this morning, and I'm still in Chicago right now. This is good for some reasons, annoying for others (namely, Foot Night). But, we're geeking out on our comprooters and talking shit to each other from 2 feet away, so it's cool.

Chicago has been awesome. A week of gluttony in every imaginable area. From Phil/the hot dog spot, to Wing Fest, to shopping, to Cuban food, to Smoque (the best BBQ in the Land), to Cuban food, to Polish bakeries, to public laundromats...it's been tons of fun. 

I got two pair of shoes for $10 - total. The place was having a 70% off sale, then I found final clearance b/c they only had my {small} size left. So yeah, that was dope. Then there were all of the other bargains that I got...people with me stay perpetually amazed at how a) people love to give me free shit, b) people willingly barter with me in places {retail} in which bartering is not the norm, and c) people will let me come behind the bar/into the kitchen/etc for pics. 

I'm just fun times, what can I say? 

Anyway, I'll be heading home tonight. I'm ready for the warm but not necessarily ready to go 'home' again. lolz.

epee is cooking for me again...

one of the nicest feelings in the universe is when someone who has known you for what feels like forever, who knows all the gross shit as well as the awesome shit, whom you can tell anything too...when they cook for you from scratch. he's been doing it this trip and it's been so heavenly, yo. 

epee is awesome because he's like my personal teddy bear/vault/god/devil all in one. he knows just about everything there is to know about me...one of the few people in the world that i tell all my grimey shit to. he knows how many people i'm fuckin' with, all the stupid/funny/annoying/weird/crazy/stupid shit that happens when i fucks with them. he knows when i'm sober and when i'm not, knows that my roommate always making comments about how much ass i pull annoys the fuck outta me and knows the text message code when it comes. i know when he's home, when he's drunk, when he's about to bang out a broad, when she's sleeping and he's playing video games. we know each other's family shit, life shit, job shit.

and still, with that much intimate knowledge, which usually in some way taints a relationship at some point, no matter the context of the relationship, we manage to coexist insanely well no matter how close or far away we are. we manage to be amazing friends despite how little we get to actually be in each other's company. 

a lot of times, when i'm not responding to anyone else, when i'm mad at someone, when i'm frustrated, annoyed, whatevs...i'll respond to him. when he's drunk and out with his boys, he'll respond to me. 

if that's not a loving friendship, i don't know what is. 

and he's been cooking for me. fritattas, black bean burgers, bacon, hot tea, sweet tea, fried potatoes...he's been in the kitchen this week, cutting/chopping/dicing/seasoning...and serving it up. that, my friends, is a lovely feeling. 

chicago has been lovely. seeing old heads and newish heads, seeing the big fluffy snow fall, wingfest, clark dogs, phil...all of it so far, and there's more to come. when there is time give a breakdown, i will.

but for now, i am home from the laundromat, dinner is smelling delicious, i took my vitamins and my meds and made epee his theraflu, and i'm about to play in an online poker tournament.

for now...life is great indeed and i am having happy moments. :)

...

lollerskates | wingfest

omg, i'm getting ready to go to wingfest.

some things about chicago :

it's cold.

people drink more when it's cold.

i have a hangover.

there are a lot more chubberly peoples in the midwest.

"what happens in the hot dog spot stays in the hot dog spot."

phil hooked it up w/the free drinks last night...

and a meal for 3 as well as some pitchers of beer was 30 dollars...

so it's cheap as heyall here, which is bomb.

it's been too long since my last visit.

it's good to be with my peoples.

someone broke my vag.

that's the haps thus far. pics soon. :)

my favorite internet convos this week:

# 1 : bff Eric Parson from the Chi™ :

EP : okay, i'm going to go beat off and go to bed

i hafta get up early tomorrow

:(

Me : k. nite.

loves you.

EP : fuck you betch

loves you too.

~~~ this is a fine example of why EPee is my favorite bff evAr...he knows how to make a joke but still give The Love™ (he also tells me i'm the sexay, so he gets bonus points!)

# 2 : friend Maurice, from NY b/w of Barbados :

Maurice : I want to talk to you about removing that damn avi.

I'm sterile now, Ang.

Who can I pass on my good-looking sperm to now?

Me : Maurice! (Rah Rahr © the steve miller band)

I know i may have damaged the world with sterilizing you, but i think i may have done you a financial service. spawn is expensive!

Maurice : Angie....Aaaaaaaangie © Mick Jagger an nem

Barbadians need to impregnate the world to save it.

You've just set the movement back fiftyleven years.

Me : i want to do a blog post that is this conversation. i think i will!

~~~~~~i love Maurice, not only b/c he buys me food when I go to NY, but also b/c he doesn't mind that I speak to him in song noises, but also b/c he's also such good and fun conversations! (he also has a pretty nice chest ladies!!)

so yeah, those are my two favorite internet convos from this week. stay tuned, maybe i'll start recording the voice chats that i do!!

p.s. - mylife is me!

"i think you might know more than a little bit..."

Lol, last night I was told that I was fascinating. When I laughed, he said, "I'm Serious!"

When asked why I was fascinating, he replied..."I fancy myself being someone who knows a little bit about everything...and that's how you are too, except, I think you might know more than a little bit. You're so smart and multi-faceted, but goddamn you're sexy and hot and hilarious too. You're fascinating."

It's strange to hear such a glowing review about yourself...especially when I'm my toughest critic. I often think that people see me the way that I see myself, but in most cases it isn't even remotely close to the same. 

It's nice to be fascinating...even if only to a few. 

I'm playing in a poker tournament tonight...it's been a while since I have but I am so stoked!!! 

I think it's going to be a good weekend!!

the universe has surprises up her sleeve...

Some days are just so bad at the start...you wake up and everything hurts. And you remember that your alarm is going off because you have to go and get some shots in your face and neck and spine. Then you have an interaction or get some news that is not to your liking.

And things begin to snowball. And all that you can see is the bad...you're in a bad mood & so all that you're looking for or realizing is the negative around you, within you.

That is what happened to me today. Just hours and hours of ugh. And then, while walking, I looked up at the sky. So blue and beautiful, the clouds so perfect. I looked around at the people surrounding me and how they were hurrying...to catch the bus, the train, with flowers, with iPods in, on phones, not paying any attention to the life and beauty around them. I bought a hot tea and sat down and just felt the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, watched the people and the sky. And I cried...just let it all go.

Then, I continued on my journey home, more at peace with a clearer head.

When I got home, there were people here with cupcakes w/candles in them who sang happy birthday to me. There was someone here with roses for me, and chocolate and champagne for Valentyme's day. There were people who had made recordings into my iPod for me to make me laugh. 

And, I ate a cheeseburger with bacon on it, a cupcake, laughed and talked some shit...read some funny cards. And settled in with my medicine and the Tivo. Read all the text messages I'd gotten telling me happy heart day, responded to emails, answered a few phone calls. Watched some more crappy t.v.

And I realized that when I started seeing the good...when I slowed down and enjoyed what was there and stopped thinking about what was missing, there was more good to enjoy. I was bringing good things into my life by being willing to see them.

And having people who wanted to do nice things for me because I've been having a rough couple of weeks, who have been paying attention to what's been going on and wanted to make me feel better...this made me appreciate that there is goodness...in people, in my circle, in my life. 

Just because it isn't exactly what I want from exactly who I want it doesn't mean that there is nothing...there is plenty, I just have to choose to see this glass as half full. 

So, I'm sitting here by my fireplace, enjoying a glass of Veuve Clicquot, planning the group outing to the opening of Transformations, and focusing on the good. My face doesn't hurt any less, my heart doesn't hurt any less, but the good is outweighing the bad by far!!

i miss you.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head.

But, I miss you.

Where are you? And, I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. 

...indecision to call you, and hear your voice of treason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head.

I miss you.

in 10 days, I'll be a Cougar. RAWR!

So, I've been discussing it with various folks around the globe, of varying age range, and the consensus seems to be that being a 'Cougar' starts in the 30's for women. I guess society hasn't changed that much when men in their 40's dating younger women is still natural and par for the course, and women in their 30's looking for that good D get a cutesy little moniker that is really a 'jokes on us' kind of thing.

Either way, in ten days, I'll be 31 and officially a cougar. Still single & still with society trying to dictate to me how I should feel about that. 

Honestly, I have greater trepidation about turning 31 than I did about turning 30...but at 30, I was pretty much living day-to-day through treatments and procedures and surgeries, and I didn't really have time to process feeling a certain way about a new age bracket. I was just glad with every day that I woke up breathing. 

But now...well, now I'm living life again. For the most part, anyway. I'm making new friends and starting to plan for a future again and going to Sundance and planning trips to Chicago and NY, and having guests in from all over over the next month or so. 

But, as the days click by and I get closer to a higher number to say when asked my age, I'm kind of thinking 'what the fuck am I doing, again?'. I mean, I am still single. I'm currently only doing work when something that I want to do comes along, or something that I want to do and my team of physicians agree is acceptable. I don't have a set schedule, fuck, some days I don't even leave my room unless it's to exercise. 

I'm still dating randoms and mourning that my heart was somewhere that it didn't belong for so long. I'm still sleeping with people when I want to and being honest with them about my past and my present, expecting the same, and then later being judged for the when or the how or the why. 

In other words, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. But, I'm not even sure that I know what I'm looking for...for the most part at least. I know that I'm not looking for marriage, because honestly marriage scares the shit out of me. I would be content in a nice, healthy, fun long-term relationship with someone who shares the same views on how to treat someone that you're dating as I do. But, I can't find that in this city so far, and I know I want to leave but can't seem to choose where I want to go. Or when to go there. 

I'm still struggling with life on a lot of different levels...it's been hard to get back on the 'living' track after spending so much time struggling and not getting to look forward. I know that I want to be happy. That's what I want...happiness. Creative flow. And, no more looking back. I want to be in a place where I can just focus on what is here, what is being offered, what I can utilize, instead of what used to be, or where my heart still lies despite how far my body carries me away from those moments.

So, I'm going to embrace 'Cougar', if not in action, then in spirit. I am definitely on the prowl...although not necessarily for men or sex. I'm searching for my place in the world again...in the day and the light, instead of staying in the dark. 

:)