The Sun is Coming Up as I Type This...

It's a new day. Fresh start. Another chance to live life to the fullest.

We put so much stock in the New Year, all these resolutions and the fresh way we look at things...I want to treat every New Day that way. I said today...the New year hasn't changed anything because I haven't made any changes. The freshness I'm seeking, it's here, inside of me. I just need to tap into it. 

I've just meditated. Done breathing. He told me last week...'Imagine all of the pain as spots of red and get deep into your body with the breathing and gather all of the red...hold it, accept it, turn it blue, and then move it out of your body.' I've been trying to do that. 

I've been learning that it's easy to reach for change when you're struggling, hurting, barely hanging on. You'll reach for anything that will help you...to hurt less, to live more. But once things seem to be getting back on track, it's easy to lose sight of the small changes that were effected to get you there. And it's easy to fall back into the same ways, the same life, that was before the trauma.

I don't want to stay there, in that mindset, in that life. I want growth. Forward movement. And so, I'm trying to remember every day to do the things I started doing when I thought my life was going to end soon. 

Every day isn't about cancer now, or meds, or treatments, or doctor's appointments. All but one of those things still exist in my world on a much larger scale than most people would like to tolerate, and the other is a constant shadow. But, there has been good progress. I'd like to find a way to incorporate the things which kept me sane while trying to reach that place of progression and this place of plateau I'm at now. 

I want to feel better wholly. For my mind to reach a place of balance with my body.  

My study of the Kabbalah is helping, but I feel like I need something additional, something that requires more of me...for me to be physically present and accountable. I need to find my place in the world again. 

I'm evolving still, as we all are...I just want to have a hand in shaping that evolution.