You're Like Red Bull, Boo, You Give Me Wings.

Lol...I just had one of the funniest conversations on the phone that I've had in a long time...and it made me smile & laugh & feel good when it was over. That's the way that I like to end phone conversations. 

He told me that he feels like he needs to be at peak energy level to hang out with me, because I'm a handfull...but that I'm refreshing because in a place where so few people even know who they are, I'm fully comfortable being me all of the time. Then proceeded to tell me that I'm like Red Bull, because I give him wings...make him feel like he can fly, and that he likes the way that I do everything I do...that he was a professional chef for ten years and he's impressed with how good I am in the kitchen. But, my favorite part is that when I answer his calls and say 'hello', he says...'hey sexy, how's your sexy ass doing today?'

I love it that he's comfortable complimenting me and saying nice things which he's not just saying to blow smoke up my ass...he's just being honest about how he perceives me. I'm a fan of being told that I'm special to people who believe it, and being shown that I am as well. 

I'm lucky to be bringing people into my life who see the value and beauty in my company, who enjoy it and want to tell me that they do, and who don't judge me for who I am but see me, with my flaws and issues as well as my great qualities, and enjoy me anyway. 

And, one of the friends that I made in Utah messaged me and invited me to come for a visit and hang out with her and go skiing. 

Not to say that there aren't some hard things going on as well, but I'm seeking out the good and I'm happy about what I'm finding. :)

The Sundance Report.

So, we decided to drive to Sundance and make an event out of it. We could stop and shop at the outlets, stop in Vegas, listen to loud music and sing...basically, we could Sundance it up. And, I love road trips.

So, after seeing my surgeon and learning that I have an aneurysm on the artery in my wrist/hand and being put on even more copious medication, I stopped at the pharmacy and then we rolled out. 

We speed demoned it, singing and laughing and talking and stopping to shop (and so that I could play the slots). We stopped in Cedar City and stayed the night so that we could roll in the next day and meet with our personal assistants and pick up our badges and check-in, then head straight to the dinner.

So, we arrive at Sundance's only 5-Star Resort and immediately are ushered into our By Invitation Only American Express Black Card Room, where we are greeted by our girl and given our 1st round of SWAG. A huge bag which contains bottles of wine, wine glasses, Adobe Photoshop, a DVD player, guest list info for the Delta 360 Lodge, and our itineraries, which have been changed. We hit our room and it is beautiful...fireplace, jacuzzi, huge shower which has 3 shower heads...one on each wall and one in the ceiling, kitchen, balcony...the works. It's nice.

So, we get a call that our car is there and go down to head to dinner. We're scheduled to have a 6-course meal at Wahso with film critic Owen Gleiberman, and then to see a screening of The Visitor, followed by a Q&A with the Director and Cast.

Personally, I really liked The Visitor. It is the story of a lonely economics professor (Richard Jenkins) who befriends a pair of illegal immigrants who have sublet his apartment in NYC w/o his knowledge. He develops a relationship rooted in music with the Muslim Syrian man (Haaz Sleiman), who teaches him to drum. The woman (Danai Jekesai Gurira) is Sengalese and doesn't trust him or his sudden presence in their lives. Eventually, Tarek (Haaz) is arrested and the story of a white man trying to save a Muslim from deportation in this post 9/11 story just kind of grabs you and rips you apart. Not a Hollywood ending to this one, but a very amazing one indeed. The Q&A was interesting and it was a good start to the festivities. 

The next morning, we had a scheduled private breakfast with Geoffrey Gilmore, followed by a screening of the movie Choke. I was horribly excited to see Choke, as it is an adaptation of a book by the same name by my favorite author, Chuck Palahniuk, and the added bonus of the screenplay being written by Clark Gregg, one of my favorite comedic actors. The movie was amazing...and I got to be part of the audience jury and cast a ballot for it. After the screening, I got to meet Clark and speak to him for a while about the movie and his work. He was amazingly nice and funny and said that it would be an honor to take a pic with me (I'm sure he says that to all the girls but it was still nice!).

So, after Choke, I went back to the lodge to hang out with some friends that I had made and then the car arrived to take us to a neighboring city for a private screening of Bottle Shock, followed by a private dinner with the director and producer of the movie.

Bottle Shock was by far the movie that I enjoyed least. I did not like it all. I felt that it was overdone in almost every way...too controlling of my emotions with both dialogue and music, too heavily scored, too overdone, not very well acted. I was bored and annoyed throughout the film. 

After Bottle Shock, we were taken to Ghidotti's for the dinner with the director and producer. The director asked me if I liked the movie and I told him that I did not...he then gave me a Bottle Shock hat. It was pretty funny. At the dinner, I made friends with some new people who were from L.A. and had really great conversation with them (and shared some Maker's Mark & Gingerales!), so the dinner was still a good time. We were then driven back to the lodge where I smoked some of my prescription weed and eventually passed out b/c I had another early day the following morning. 

On Friday morning, the car picked us up at 8.15 a.m. to drive us an hour to Robert Redford's private screening room to see Under the Bombs. Under the bombs is a documentary film containing a fictional story detailing the 33 days during which Lebanon was at war with Israel, and the following 11 days. Basically, the director and co-writer, Philippe Aractingi, couldn't quite process what was happening in his homeland (he's French/Lebanese), and so picked up his camera ten days in and started shooting. He had no script and only an idea of the story within him. What resulted was Under the Bombs, which is a fictional tale set against the backdrop of a real battle.

Interestingly, there are only two actors. Everyone else (the citizens, soldiers, journalists, coffins, mourners, etc) are all really experiencing what is in the film...and when there are bombs going off, it is real. None of the carnage or death or sadness or destruction is staged or fictional...it is all actual events being filmed by a filmmaker with a camera as his only weapon during this devastation. Then, in the middle, comes the fictional story of a woman who has arrived back to the devastation happening in her country and looking for her sister and son. 

The female lead is played by Nada Abou Farhat, and she is beautiful and conveys emotions in a wonderful way. I really liked this film and would highly recommend it. 

Immediately following the screening, we were taken to The Tree Room in the Sundance Resort and had a private lunch with Philippe Aractingi and Michel...the co-writers and director/producers of the film. Philippe was a great speaker and it was awesome to hear him speak about a project which had meant so much to him, and the lunch was enjoyable. ...The lunch was made even more enjoyable by the fact that our waiter, Paul, spent much of the time trying to pick me up and dropping things on and near our table because he said that I 'made him nervous by being so pretty'...the 3 other people at our table spent the time alternating between how funny it was that Paul wanted me so badly and laughing hysterically at the jokes that I made with Paul. He and I joked extensively and then he asked if he could visit me at our lodge. To which I replied with laughs and the promise that it wouldn't be worth his time! Awwww, but Paul was a total cutie, though...too bad for him I'm only interested in people who want to tell me how 'inaccessible' they are and try to make me feel bad about the person that I am. Poor Paul.

Following lunch, we were given private access to the Sundance Resort Store (Glenn Close was the only other person allowed in), and then jumped back in the car to go back to the hotel and shower/change for the coming evening.

During this break in our schedule, I hit main street for some music and shopping. Neil Young was playing at a bar for a bit and there were lots of fun people out and about. I stopped in the By Invitation Only Stella Artois tent and had a beer with my other VIP'ers, then headed over to Eccles theater for one of my more highly anticipated World Premieres...CSNY: Deja Vu. 

I had hoped that at least Neil Young would be there for the World Premiere of this new anti-war documentary by the legendary Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young...and was shocked and amazed to see not only the people from the film but the entire roster of CSNY sitting DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME IN MY RESERVED SEATING!!!

It was amazing and I was so happy to be amongst the legendary politicos, activists and musicians. The film was incredibly good and made me both incensed, outraged and yet hopeful because there are still people who care enough about the world in which we live to make films like this, which inspired dialogue and intense feelings in one way or the other. 

There was to be a Q&A with CSNY after the film, BUT, I was an audience juror for another film, Good Dick, starting at a different screening room a few miles away which started about 6 minutes after CSNY: Deja Vu was ending. So, as the credits were rolling, I jumped up and ran out to the car to get there.

I arrived at Good Dick about 30 seconds after the film was supposed to start and after flashing my By Invitation Only credentials and badge, was taken to my second row seat and the film started.

Good Dick is crazy great! It was written, directed by and starred in by Marianna Palka, and the male lead is Jason Ritter (who is AWESOME!, btw). It is the story of an introverted and 'weird' girl who rents erotica from a video store every day, and the guy who works at the video store falls in love with her and takes it upon himself to bring her back to a normal life. It is funny, difficult, complex, intense...it is so many things. But one thing it really is is a great film. Afterwards, I spoke to Marianna and Jason and then had to have the car take me back to the lodge. It was a long day, I hadn't eaten my lunch earlier b/c I'd been talking to Philippe of Under the Bombs and taking pics, and I was exhausted and hungry. 

So, I went to my room for a while, smoked some of my medicine, and then had the car take me to Burger King. *I cannot express how awesome having car service and people who will get you tickets/access to anything you want 24 hours a day is...it is the life I want now and I never had even considered it!! I mean, I text my PA at 1 a.m. and told him of the events I wanted to be on the list for by 9 a.m. the following morning and he had the stuff dropped off in my room!! Wow!!

Also...when I arrived back to my room, there was a bag inside the door with my name on it and it contained more SWAG!! They brought the SWAG to me! I didn't even have to go to the tents and get it...and when one of the things was the wrong size, I called one of the girls and made her go get another one!! - AWESOME!!.

So, anyway, I went to bed about 4.30 a.m., even though my car was supposed to come for me at 7.30 the next morning. ...Like I said in a different place earlier, a lot of late nights and early mornings. At this point, I'd seen and met and dialogued with many of the stars, and it was proving to be pretty benign. Famous people aren't any more interesting or charming than anyone else for the most part, but you have to leave an impression so being so charming gets exhausting after a while. 

Saturday morning...I get up, shower, slam a protein bar (which I've lived off of for the whole week, swag from Entertainment Weekly which was one thing absolutely useful! Then, the car arrives to take me to the screening of Blue Eyelids....which is a big meh. Then, at 11, I have another screening of the movie Savage Grace.

Savage Grace was my absolute favorite drama of the festival and it was so intense and controversial that several people got up and walked out. It is a true story and it is fucked up, but it is amazingly good. The lead is played by Julianne Moore. I don't want to give too much of this movie away b/c I know it will get picked up...but see more about it here: http://www.cinematical.com/2008/01/26/sundance-review-savage-grace/

I definitely felt this film should have won for drama. After the screening, I had a Q&A with the writer/director Howard Rodman, which was awesome. He's a great, smart and intense guy who gives a lot of  himself to the people who like his work. He was very open and honest and nice. I hope that a ton of people see this movie, if only for how well he portrays the humanity and vulnerability in people whom most would dismiss for only the negative aspects of them. And, the cinematography is great as well.

After Savage Grace, I had some time to grab some lunch and a shower. I then had to start getting ready for the closing night happenings. At 5.30, the car arrived to take me to the Awards Ceremony pre-party. Upon arrival and checking in with my By Invitation Only VIP credentials, I was ushered into a room with the press and actors/directors/producers, and a spread of food and an open bar beckoned me! I had some great food and drinks, then made the rounds to mingle. I hung out with Jason Ritter for a bit, the lead in Good Dick. Spent some time talking to Matthew Stanton, the writer and director of North Starr, along with Jerome Hawkins(the lead). 

Then, I took my reserved 3rd row seat for the Awards Ceremony, hosted by William H. Macy, who is hilarious and clever. Awards for the movies were presented by an all star lineup, including Felicity Huffman, Sandra Oh, Diego Luna and Quentin Tarantino (who was fucking hilarious). Happily, my new chum Clark Gregg, won the Jury Selection award for Choke, which I loved. 

After the Awards Ceremony, I went over to get my press release and watch the press junkets for some of the winners. I spent some time hanging out with Clark Gregg, the producer of Tis the Season, and several others. 

Then, I jumped into the Awards Ceremony post-party. This event was off the chain...the dance floor was packed and everyone was fully into party mode. I found a bartender who wanted to get me DRunk on the free drinks and was pouring my vodka tonics at a ration of 96% vodka and a splash of tonic and began to get my drink on. I mingled...stood for photos by the press and other interested parties, danced, smoked and got my networking on. I spent some time talking to Quentin Tarantino and the directors/producers and actors in many of the films. And then...the party mode had officially hit me. I bumped into Matt and Jerome again (of North Starr fame) and Matt and I spent a huge amount of time talking/flirting. He told me all about the private screening of North Starr happening here in L.A. on Feb. 9th and invited me to it and then, when I told him that was right near my birthday, offered to take me to dinner to celebrate. He then introduced me to the rest of the super fun crew...Chris Sullivan, Isaac Lamb (fun fun fun~), Zach Johnson and Wayne Campbell. I spent some time dancing with Jerome (the lead) and basically partying with the fun kids. 

Matt, Jerome and Isaac then informed me that they had just reserved a mansion at the bottom of the mountain for a private party and that it was time to go as I was now a part of their posse. It was a fun night. Then, standing outside at a smoking heat lamp, I bumped into a fun blonde woman whom I'd befriended earlier in the week whose boyfriend was being not so nice to here...so, I stole her away from him and brought her to my room to smoke some of the medical marijuana and go swimming in the heated pool in the snow. We talked and laughed and hung out and smoked...and then got super hungry. So, I called down and arranged for them to send a car to take us to Burger King (we was HONGry!!). On the way back to the hotel, I asked the driver if he smoked and when he said yes, we brought him back to the lodge for some hanging out as well.

Eventually, the blonde's boyfriend tracked her down to my room and called four times, so I finally sent her back with him. By now, it was late (or early, depending on your view point), and so I settled down to be altered and make some connects as I was coming back to L.A. the next day. I exchanged some text messages and phone calls with my fun peoples back here in L.A., including an actor friend who was working a late night and a new hopeful to make plans to see him when I got back to the city the next night, late. I got to bed about 5.30 in the a.m.

The next morning...our last day at the festival, about which I was both sad and relieved, the car was to come for us at 9.15. So, I slept for a few hours and then got up to pack everything and be ready for the transportation for the final event...the screening of the movie which had won the Jury's grand prize for drama. 

So, at 10.00 a.m., I was in my reserved seating to see King of Ping Pong (which had also won for photography and best dramatic feature). This one kind of bored me...it's part deadpan comedy (which tries, imo, to be Napolean Dynamite-esque) and part miserablist childhood saga. In my opinion, it wasn't really a strong enough movie to pull off either well, and I was disappointed that this is the movie which won dramatic feature. It's slow at times, boring at times, and just not enough of a great movie to really move me. Set in Scandinavia, it's also subtitled, which was rough that early in the morning after a week of so much and the late night of the Awards and Post-Party the night before. It was an okay movie, but not great by any means.

By the time that this screening was over, a major blizzard/storm front had moved in and it was time to hit the road...especially since I was planning on more outlet shopping on the way home. So...we said goodbye to all of the new friends that I had made and took off for more Thelma & Louise adventures...this time through snowy, stormy mountains. Eventually, we left the storm behind but ran into heavy rain storms and ominous skies, which lasted the duration of the trip.

I did get some really great stuff at Nike and Banana Republic, so that was exciting.

All in all, it was a great week. I met lots of really incredible people, saw lots of great movies, hung out with lots of celebs and pseudo celebs and had a great time. 

I'd like to give special shoutouts to : Clark Gregg of Choke; Matt, Jerome, Isaac and the rest of the North Starr crew, Eric and Linda from North Carolina, Christine and Peter from Utah, Ericka, Susan and Dan from New York, Mike from Sundance, Utah, Johnny from Salt Lake City, Utah, Jenni from L.A., Matt from L.A., Joe from New York, Catherine from New Jersey, and the many other people who made my trip such a great one...who told me every day of my beauty and charisma, and to Ken and Perry, my drivers who loved my sense of humor and told me often how funny and pretty I was ;).

Sundance was amazing...I'd recommend that anyone go...but I'd also highly recommend that you go at VIP By Invitation Only Red Carpet Access...I can't imagine it being as impressive and amazing any other way.

I'd also like to shout out Jason Ritter, Clark Gregg, Matt Stanton, Meg Ryan, Ryan Seacrest, Glenn Close, Owen Wilson, Clark Gregg, and the many others who made my trip even more of a laugh-fest! Here's looking at you kids...

And Christine, Linda and Eric...I will be taking you all up on your offers of visits to your homes and cities in the near future...it was awesome to befriend you!!

Sundance bound, despite the aneurysm

So, I'm on my way to Sundance! Technically, this moment I'm not...I'm in a hotel room in Cedar City, Utah. And I'm wondering my all the cities in Utah are named .... City. Park City, Salt Lake City, Cedar City. Like, were not all cities 'cities' back when they were naming them, or did they have to distinguish that it was a city? I wonder this every time I'm in Utah, and I realize that I wonder weird things.

My hand is killing me. I took the splint off tonight and I've been using it when I'm not supposed to. It's a radiating and intense pain in the parts that I can feel, and I took my stitches out because they were ugly. I'm taking good care of it, but I'm annoyed that the artery has formed an aneurysm and annoyed that I'll have to undergo a stupid surgery. '08 was supposed to be the year of living semi-recklessly (nod to Robert) and of no surgery. So Annoying.

But, I've got better things to focus on. Like the fact that tomorrow I'll be at Sundance, attending private screenings and private dinners & breakfasts with producers and directors. It's pretty unbelievable how fat we've been hooked up and I'm so psyched! 

It's snowing here, and cold, but totally worth it. The drive, at least the parts we saw before the sun went down, was beautiful so far. And when the big orange moon was at eye level because we were 5,000 feet above sea level, that was pretty incredible...as was driving through the mountains at 90 mph...literally, through the mountains, looking down at houses and towns. 

It's going to be a great week and I'm excited for it...as well as for the pictures that will come. Once in a lifetime, this opportunity, especially for  someone who isn't 'in' the industry at all. 

I'm happy for it, and for the respite from L.A. it is providing, which I've been needing desperately!!

Yay for road trips, slot machines in gas stations, free penthouse suites, red carpet access and the fact that even though my hand is injured, I didn't die from it!

it was never as simple as we thought to be true, there were just things we never knew.

I can't un-know so much of what I know now...the diseases and meds and chronic pain have brought with them so much knowledge that I never wanted. 

I thought that life was hard before all of this...now, I wish for that level of difficulty again. 

I don't want to deal with this flare up right now...I don't feel that I have the strength for it right now, and yet, here it is. 

...I'm like the hot dog, clinging on for dear life. 

...

Life...what happens while we're waiting for the moments that never come.

I don't want that to be apt for me. It's been being apt...but I don't want it to continue. A better way of saying what I want, I guess. Anyway, I want to create a life full of the moments that I've invited, been taken by surprise by and managed to create my own experience within, that I've endured & conquered, grown stronger through, learned from...I want life to be on my terms again.

Life is so brilliant in its complexity (I've been thinking about complexity...). It's a never ending train of possibility and heartache and all of the things in-between. Until it does end. No one gets out alive. I'd like for that moment to be on my terms as well, but since it won't be, I'd like to get back to not fearing it. 

We're all waiting. Hoping. Needing. Giving. Losing. Loving. Being scared of love. But we control so much more than we know...and sometimes what we're waiting on is right here in front of us. Soft eyes...I'm trying to develop soft eyes.

The workout today was hard...haven't been in the gym for a minute and I've softened up/gained weight with the new round of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) and it's strength, and since I was supposed to be taking it easy after my procedures at the end of last month, and was surprised by how quickly so much strength and conditioning was lost. But, I did it...and I kept up, so I'm taking steps in the right direction. I've decided to be So Focused, Man. 

My new mission for the 08...Get It Right Get It Tight. My new motto...Come correct or don't cum at all. 

This is My Year! ... And yay for that! 

And here's some photos from recently...

The Sun is Coming Up as I Type This...

It's a new day. Fresh start. Another chance to live life to the fullest.

We put so much stock in the New Year, all these resolutions and the fresh way we look at things...I want to treat every New Day that way. I said today...the New year hasn't changed anything because I haven't made any changes. The freshness I'm seeking, it's here, inside of me. I just need to tap into it. 

I've just meditated. Done breathing. He told me last week...'Imagine all of the pain as spots of red and get deep into your body with the breathing and gather all of the red...hold it, accept it, turn it blue, and then move it out of your body.' I've been trying to do that. 

I've been learning that it's easy to reach for change when you're struggling, hurting, barely hanging on. You'll reach for anything that will help you...to hurt less, to live more. But once things seem to be getting back on track, it's easy to lose sight of the small changes that were effected to get you there. And it's easy to fall back into the same ways, the same life, that was before the trauma.

I don't want to stay there, in that mindset, in that life. I want growth. Forward movement. And so, I'm trying to remember every day to do the things I started doing when I thought my life was going to end soon. 

Every day isn't about cancer now, or meds, or treatments, or doctor's appointments. All but one of those things still exist in my world on a much larger scale than most people would like to tolerate, and the other is a constant shadow. But, there has been good progress. I'd like to find a way to incorporate the things which kept me sane while trying to reach that place of progression and this place of plateau I'm at now. 

I want to feel better wholly. For my mind to reach a place of balance with my body.  

My study of the Kabbalah is helping, but I feel like I need something additional, something that requires more of me...for me to be physically present and accountable. I need to find my place in the world again. 

I'm evolving still, as we all are...I just want to have a hand in shaping that evolution.

It has already started...

I asked her, when she told me that she'd look into her Crystal Ball and answer my questions...I said...

"When will the newness start...the new people, the new joy, the freshness?"

She replied..."It started already. You need to open your eyes."

And so, this is me, peeling this layer of funk that's been covering my vision back and looking at the fresh, new world which is waiting for me. 

How exciting!

Obama Wins Iowa Caucus!!!

Yesssss, this looks even more winnable now! The more that I got into Clinton's voting history in the Senate and saw that she's never backed down from voting for more funding for the war, and how deep in the pockets she is of certain shitty lobbyist groups, the more I've finalized my decision to back Obama. I was uncertain for a minute, I'll admit. Good and bad on each of them, and the ultimate issue of will more than 50% of this country vote for a black man, no matter what we'd like to believe about that in this time period. 

I know that 100% of my group would and will vote for a minority (even though I am loathe to use that word, as globally speaking, brown and black people are not the minority, although most people in this country imagine someone one of those colors when they hear that word.), but I know that most people are not like my group, and people are incomprehensible.

But 54% of Obama's supporters tonight were white women. In a majority white State, where 65% of the voters are women, 54% of the voters gave the support to a Black man when both a White Woman and White man were his opposition. This is huge. This is so huge. 

I so hope that Huckabee gets the Republican win. It would be so great to see that unfold!! 

This is more than possible, it's in reach. It could really be a change pop off in our lifetime!! A new day??

I'm holding out hope for a New Day!! Good times. And now, I'm going back to sleep!!

In 2008, a commitment to me.

I am so glad that 2008 is here. I'm ready for some freshness, ready to find the joy in my life, ready to find health and happiness and all the things in between. 

I'm committing to taking a more natural approach to my health and hormones, to taking better care of my mind, body and spirit. I'm committing to finding out what it is that I want from life now that I get to think into the future again, and pursuing that desire to find a place of contentment. I'm committing to being happy with me, to loving me, to taking great care of me, and being able to create an environment which I can healthily add others to. 

I'm ready to try different things in order to find new results. I'm so ready for new things.